Perfect weekend

Quality Mummy-son time

2 1/2 years in, and I am definitely still adjusting to motherhood. 3 years in, and I am still adjusting to Houston. I have written before that I was unhappy for much of 2014, and 2015 was looking to possibly shape up in a similar way (albeit a little better). And honestly, partially because I don’t really recognize myself as unhappy (maybe a bit ‘flat’ or a bit ‘whiney’) until I get it right. Until I realize that I have made myself happy. That happened this weekend.

Saturday morning I took Sam to a kids’ swimming pool (Noah’s Ark) and we just had a blast. It was lovely to focus totally on him, and to be a big kid myself – yes, I climbed through all the water tunnels (so elegantly with my whopping bump), went down all the kiddos’ slides and picked Sam up and threw him in the water fountain (much to his delight). It was delightful, silly, exhausting fun.

I definitely did not look this cute on the slide

Cue a stupidly large Mickey D’s, and then an unplanned nap on the sofa. Although I was woken by Sam waking from his nap (after only 2 hours! 3 hours at the pool is supposed to buy me more than 2 hours!)  he then played happily for several hours while I made a new card for my Etsy shop (<— still a work in progress) and updated my Stampin’ Up! blog. Pizza dinner, easy night down for the dwarf and then movie night with the Husband – we watched St. Vincent which was pretty good.

Baby shower card

Today I played hard with the kiddo in the morning and then went and helped a friend set up her Stampin’ Up! website. She fed me lunch and I got a delicious frozen StarBucks on the way home. Sam woke the second I got home (again, after only 1.5 hours! What is up with this kiddo?) so we tidied the house together and then hit the garden.

One of the best things Wes & I did was fence off a small area of our garden for Sam. We put in his sandbox, my hammock, and small IKEA table and chairs, a bench, a slide and a paddling pool. If Sam and I go out there I can get snatches of anywhere between 15 and 90 minutes to myself blogging, surfing the internet or reading. And when he does want to play, it’s easy for me to engage in water fights and sandcastles and chalk pictures on the wall. We usually have a blast and today was no exception.

Tea, Emma Bridgewater cup, biscuits for dunking, blogging and the boy playing happily – what more could I want?

 

We finished up with snuggles in the hammock – occasionally Sam will take his sippy cup and drink it like he would drink from a bottle as an infant, seeking out things to play with with his hands, his eyes going heavy and going into the ultimate snuggle mode – it’s BLISS.

Snuggles beats all else

Now the little one is in bed, I am finishing my blog post while eating delicious pecan toffee, and somewhere in there I even managed a face and a hair masque.

So – why was this such a blissful weekend? What made it feel perfect? It wasn’t tantrum free (you try telling a hungry 2-year old that is 1.5 hours past his nap time that he has to leave the swimming pool of awesomeness). I bought a new nail polish and don’t like it (damn you Essie). I didn’t get time to blow dry my hair and it looks a mess. I did, however, have time to really play with and engage with Sam – both at home and out and about. There was time for my hobbies, and some friend time. But what is most surprising, is that there was no work. Not a single email, nor a review. I didn’t open anything I am working on to poke at it, and yes, I let a few overdue things just sit in my inbox (I am certainly not luxuriating for time at work right now).

It’s odd. It’s uncomfortable if I think about it, and yet it seems like the most natural thing in the world. I realize that even 2.5 years in, I am definitely struggling to adapt to (working) motherhood. When I became a mum, I tried to carry on just like before – keeping work the same and fitting the kiddo in around that. When I couldn’t fit everything in, I dropped the ‘me’ things – make-up, skin care, crafting, blogging. I squeezed Sam in when I could (after a whopping great 3 weeks of maternity leave), and I did whatever it took to keep work going.

My world

It’s not working for me anymore (sorry for the pun). Academia is hard – the way funding is (pretty nonexistent) it seems like a lot of input for not a lot of payback. At the end of the road, when I have focussed so much mental energy on work, and I have nothing to show for it it is hard to look at my beautiful son and think “I am glad I put you second” and “I’m glad I don’t know you as well as I could” and “Sure, I read you stories, and tuck you in, and I’m the one you run to when hurt – but I don’t mind having missed out on those little interactions that are your whole world right now”. It’s hard to look in the mirror at an uncared for reflection and say “I am glad I look a mess”. It’s hard to look around the house and say “I don’t mind that this doesn’t reflect my personality”.

I don’t have the answer. Academia seems to get harder and harder, and survival seems to depend on more and more publications and collaborations and grant submissions. And truly, I love what I do! When I can focus on my real work (not work I have foolishly agreed to do for others, so I am working on reducing that), I truly am fascinated by behavioral genetic questions and I love answering them and writing on them. But kiddos don’t wait, and papers don’t hold me at night. It feels like the wonder in Science is getting less and less, while the wonder in my son grows daily.

Yet, I still hugely look up to so many great Scientists. I cannot let the dream of being like them go. It’s clear that I need to reduce work. I also need to streamline what I do (focussing on behavior almost exclusively) and be much more efficient when I am working (less Facebook, more papers…). Yet, I am scared I cannot be successful like that. It’s hard to let go of the 24/7 work mindset. But I am also scared that I won’t be be successful continuing like I am, and I will have sacrificed everything anyway and be left with nothing. Perhaps these are the ramblings of the third trimester, but  I am scared of not having more papers than most people at my stage, of not having more grant submissions, of not having funding. I am terrified of saying no. Yet, I feel I have to take the plunge. I need to turn work off sometimes, and reprioritize when I am at work. I’ve never been like this! I have always been able to do anything and take on any task. I could work my way out of mediocrity. Perhaps this was the fearless I needed to be when I wrote back in January 2014. Anyway, I have to give it go. I have to make some changes.

Hammock snuggles are the best!! If not the most flattering angle 😉

I have no idea if anyone else struggles like this – I see so many people having careers and personal lives seamlessly, but I am happy to go out on a limb for a minute and say: I am struggling. I am not getting it right. I am changing. I don’t recognize myself and I am worried that the ‘old me’ would have negatively judged the ‘new me’ (what a bloody awful confession).

I am optimistic, I am scared, I am excited, I am terrified. I have no idea how this will play out.

 

Things that made me happy in 2014

Looking back, I think that 2014 was one of my toughest years yet. Simply because I was very unhappy for much of it. Which it feels churlish to say, since I landed an awesome job and watched my beautiful infant grow into a loving, happy, toddler from within a my large detached house and throughout all this neither I nor my family suffered from any major illnesses (somewhat of a first…). Clearly my blessings were manifold. Which goes to show you that happiness really cannot be bought, and is more complex to achieve than we think.

How could this little thing not make me happy?

I hate being unhappy because I hate the person it makes me. I become negative and distant and difficult to be around. I complain. A lot. I am mean about the people I love to the people who love them. I consume the conversation around me with minor worries that can’t be solved. It’s boring. I am not there for my friends when they need me, because I am so consumed with my own problems. I lash out inappropriately and insensitively. I drain those around me.

So, when I got to thinking about 2015 and New Years Resolutions, all I could think was ‘I just want to be happy’. But where to start? Then I read this post by Caitlin at Healthy Tipping Point in which she lists the ‘Things [she] did to make [her] life better in 2014′. And that seemed like a  great place to start – if I can list the things that made me happy in 2014, I can strive to do more of them in 2014. So here we go:

Things I did that Made Me Happy In 2014:

1. Got Early NIghts

For some reason I had it in my head that I couldn’t go to bed before 10.30, and generally I would kill time until about 11 pm. Then on Christmas Eve, Wes and I watched Downton Abbey and it finished at 9.30. We couldn’t think of anything else to watch and so Wes said “Shall we just go to bed?”.

“No!” I exclaimed in horror, although I did admit that I was tired, and I proceeded to fail to think of a single thing I did want to do. So grudgingly I went up to bed, and lay down. Within minutes I was asleep, and got possibly the best nights’ sleep I have had in ages. Even better, instead of being roused from the depths of a dreamless sleep by the raw of an angry dwarf, I woke slowly and peacefully and gazed at the window quietly until I came to. When the dwarf did yell, I felt more than happy to go and grab him.

I have had 9.30 bedtimes twice since. It has been glorious. I may have discovered it late in the year, but so far just going to bed super early has been one of the things that has made me feel the best.

Early snuggles

 

2. Cleaned up my Facebook feed

I am a feminist (so are you too, probably, you just might not know it), and I am politically liberal, and these stances mean a lot to me. I want to fight for gender equality and gender acceptance and women’s rights and universal healthcare. But Facebook is probably not the place for me to do that (too much). While those issues are very dear to my heart and I have no intention on being silent about them, getting into Facebook scraps and reading what the latest idiot teabagger was doing actually brought me a lot of stress. Much as I enjoyed Slate and some other online magazines, NOT reading about why I should be angry made me… well… a lot less angry.

I also ‘unfollowed’ some friends who frequently speak about being anti marriage-equality, or write things I feel are racist, the vocal anti-vaxxers, and some “friends” whose news feed I was checking only to have mean thoughts about them (come on, I was not the only one who did this, right?). I still follow people who challenge my views, but not those who anger them.

3. Sorted out my skin care

Ahh…. I discovered Kiehls. This is the first brand to moisturize my very dry skin, without making it dull or breakout, and the first brand to make a noticeable difference to my wrinkles. It’s an indulgence, but it is not crazy expensive.

4. Drank more water

I was plagued with headaches and migraines for months, and in the middle of a bunch of investigations, 2 doctors said to me “You might have diabetes insipidus – you should see an endocrinologist”. Diabetes Insipidus (DI) is basically a condition were you pee too much / don’t absorb enough water and when I looked up DI treatment for milk cases it was basically ‘drink a lot of water’. So… I have started doing that. Like 120 fl oz / day on top of my daily decaf coffees and other fluids. Boom – headaches gone and for the first time in my life EVER I have nice nails (oh wait, second time, the first time was pregnancy). Gone are the dry, brittle, flaky things I had and in their places are quite reasonable talons!

Water it is…

5. Ate Salads

I always feel good after eating a salad. I never wish I had chosen something else. Enough said.

6. Played hooky

A great day to sneak off work

Just occasionally 🙂

7. Cleaned

I hate to admit it, but I never regret getting down and really cleaning out a section of the house, and I ALWAYS feel great afterwards. I just have to bite the bullet and do it. I must be getting old….

8. Spent time intentionally

This would make anyone happy

This was one of the things that made me most happy, but one of the hardest to do. When I had free time, it would often be in snatches and I found it hard to sit down and focus in on anything, so I spent a lot of time just reading Facebook and surfing the internet. That definitely did not make me happy. At all. But every time I sat down and did a project, no matter how big or small, I felt so much better after.

I was so delighted when I did a ‘craft swap’ with my friend Mandy at the end of the year – I was challenged to make a batch of Christmas cards for her, and so I was ‘forced’ to sit and create. Often sitting down was the hardest part, but once I started the time flew and I felt great afterwards (somewhat like going to the gym… but that is another story).

Loved making all these cards

9. Spent time with my boy

It sounds obvious, right? You have a kid, you want to spend time with him. However, funnily enough, people often suggest the opposite. But when I was unhappy, or tired, or stressed, people usually said “Take some time for yourself! Get a manicure! Go shopping! Get your hair done!”. I can see that for many that is great advice, but for me: Sam is my happiness. Sam is my fun, he is my comfort, he is my worry and my bliss and wild side and my rest. I am never as happy as when he and I have done an activity together that we have both engaged in – I love to read books with him, bake with him, romp in the park with him.

This. This is what makes me happy.

I hope that being conscious of these things will being them more fully into my life. I am aware of all the friends who have stuck by me when I have done almost nothing but moan this year – I am truly blessed to know you and you will always have my heartfelt gratitude.

Here is to changing in 2015 and being ‘me’ again.

Mole results back and looking good

My ex-mole

Just a quickie as I am frantically grant-writing, but the mole biopsy came back. It was benign, but a ‘dysplastic nevus’. So, no problems in this mole per se, but its presence indicates a 7-27% higher chance of developing melanoma in my lifetime, so I just need regular dermatology check-ups. Which is not a problem. If the pigmentation comes back I have to go in ASAP.

Oh, and of course I will be way more conscientious about suncream 😉

Thank you for all the well wishes.

 

…Hello third

29 weeks

Nicely zooming into the third trimester. We have insurance, we have an OB, I feel great (although my body is giving up a little) and we have a high risk doc monitoring us (but all seems to be well)… yes, quite a bump ride to get here 🙂

New Obstetrician

Just a small bit of politicizing and I will move on, I promise: Look, I’ll even put a spoiler so you can skip past my bleeding heart liberal views if you like – just scroll right down until you see the ‘end spoiler’.

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Hmmm… well, I finally found a doctor who would give me prenatal care. Due to Texas’ wonderfully sensible state laws… I could not have health insurance sponsored by the state (I am technically a state employee) for 2 months. And due to health insurances reticence to cover any ‘pre-existing conditions’ (which I do understand) I couldn’t get temporary care. Wonderful. To those like the genius Ron Paul (and I use the term ‘genius’ in the same tone as ‘wonderfully sensible’ above) who say:

Know this: your views are as old as you. You do not understand that we now save lives (and a heap load of money) initially through learning to enact preventative care programs, and then latterly through increasing the efficacy of those programs by enacting screening programs. Some would say NIH are investing vast sums of frikkin’ money on developing the best early markers with which to screen for diseases… so we don’t end up in emergency care. But you know – what do public health researchers know?

To Mr. Paul I say: My ‘routine doctor visits’ for the last 3 weeks have come in at over $3,000 (holy smokes). Covering the 6 week gap would obviously have been even more expensive. Do you really think it is reasonable to expect couples to find that money over the course of a whole pregnancy?? And what happens when you expect them to over a short period? No healthcare. Which is what I, a public health researcher, chose. Aye.

So no OB wanted to care for me as I had had a ‘gap in care’ until I stumbled upon the lovely Dr Boswell at Texas Children’s (Women’s Specialists of Houston sub branch). OK, no more politicizing for the whole of this post.

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Gaily I went off to see Dr Boswell, where we discussed (1) my signs of early labour, coupled with (2) my battered cervix (a colposcopy, cone biopsy and laser treatment in the past) which means it could either (a) not open at all, or (b) act like a pressure-triggered trap door at the slightest pressure like… er… a growing baby, tripled with (3) a septum (large piece of fibrous tissue) across my uterus, which means some of uterus is ‘cut off’ leading to more pressure overall as space becomes a premium. All-in-all she felt this combination of things may not be a good thing. So… off I went to Baylor to a high risk OB / GYN.

Woo-hoo extra ultrasound. This is Firework lying at the bottom, face up, flexing his muscles like his douchey Mum used to.

So the high risk OB did a whole anatomy scan, which (shutting my ears to the crusty side of me that wants to listen to voices saying that scans are not a good thing) we thoroughly enjoyed. Firework did not, he kicked and wriggled away, and kept PURPOSELY putting his hand in front of his face so we couldn’t see it. Git.

We did get a picture of the young ‘un though. He obligingly acted like his Ma in her pre-pregnancy days and flexed his muscles for larks (I used to be a body builder). I am suspicious that he was also acting like his Dad and showing off to any passing nurse. Hmmmm. He was also quite big at 3lbs when they would expect 2.5lbs. Good lad.

Anyhoodle. We discovered that FW, like the MMA fighter we would love him to be, had just kicked aside my septum and made himself some nice room. And that I have one hella long cervix (4.8 cm at 29 weeks, when they expect ~3 cm) which should hold him in tightly. Of course, you can’t go to any doctor and actually come out feeling healthy: they did find that I have vast amounts of amniotic fluid. Vast amounts, but not quite vast enough to panic.  Usually they suspect a baby with no stomach, or a genetic abnormality: but much searching found no evidence was found of such.

Personally, I am not worried. Back in my initial scans they said I had a giant uterus. No one was concerned then, and I am not now. I go back in 2 weeks to see if the fluid is increasing, decreasing or staying the same. Alrighty then. They did say that big ol’ amounts of fluid are heavy are so preterm delivery is more likely, but hey – nothing we can do about that now. So basically in the ‘will I give birth too early, or have to have a C-section in the end’ battle it is just a battle between:

Big baby and his excessive fluidy surrounds

vs.

scarred up (movement resistant) big ‘n’ tuff cervix.

I could deliver hella early or basically not at all and need a C-section (which TERRIFIES me). I am removing myself from the whole thing and tired of the medicalization, and – while I LOVE my whole OB practice, especially Dr. Boswell – just letting them poke me and prod me while I mentally skip through fields of daisies and ignore them and see what happens. THEY can fuss and worry, I can deal with the birth as it happens.

How I am feeling

29 weeks, 4 days

Other than that, I am blessed to be feeling super well. My bump has remained pretty small (in the clothes pictures I angle it to look nice and big) which has made it easy for me to sleep and move about and not feel icky and encumbered. I do generally sleep very well (even on my stomach sometimes) and can quite forget I am preggo.

My body is starting to give in though: my feet are swelling like balloons, my hips and legs often hurt if I try and run anywhere (like for an elevator) and I do get pretty tired pretty early (which does allow for DELICIOUS 10 hour sleeps). Also, as Firework and his home are very large (all that water) and I am pretty small still (a situation I like to call ‘bloody ideal and I am glad I worked on my abs for so long’) my insides really are squished. Really squished. But again, as FW seems to be getting all the energy he needs, I am happy my appetite is controlled and I have been able not to gain a whole heap load extra so far.

Weight gain at 29 weeks: 14 lbs. Just back from a road trip though (mmmm… ice cream) so I wouldn’t hold me to that trajectory at the next update 😉

Finally

FW is breech! Which is OK for now, but I am going try spinning babies alongside being better at doing my Bradley exercises – why not?

28 weeks, 3 days looks like:

This when in clothes!

At 31… this much I know…

Making a wish

Had a great birthday! Got to speak to my parents in the morning and then had a really good day at work (my latest paper wasn’t rejected WITHOUT REVIEW until exactly 4 hours after the end of my birthday 😛 ). I came home to decorations on the house,

and a beautiful birthday dinner laid out for me.

After presents (gel manicure nail kit & smashbox eyeshadow palate from ‘rentals; maternity PJs, a maternity dress, a toaster and a waffle iron from da husband; sock money, eraser and key-chain from Sasha, Liam and Rachel respectively) there was of course: the return of the ‘A’ cake.

It was a perfect day.

I reflected that on my last child-free birthday (I hope) I am older but not much wiser… I know very little, but (in the words of The Guardian): this much I know:

1. Revenge is very tempting, pointing out people’s weaknesses with wide-eyed innocence and making them squirm just to appease my own feeling of being hard done by… but I always regret it.

2. Grace is much harder, and takes longer to reconcile peacefully as the right decision, within myself. But I have never regretted extending forgiveness in the long term.

3. Losing control of a situation is a failure: usually a sign of bad management and poor planning. Losing control of a person is not. People should be left to be free.

4. Jealousy holds me back and makes me unproductive; being inspired by where / who what I want to be is a springboard to greater things.

5. I have never regretted staying late to finish a project or task. I have regretted letting things slide.

6. I have never regretted sharing an idea. Ideas are like people: they should also be set free to find the sustenance to grow.

7. “I am so sorry, I must have got it wrong” has opened the most doors for me.

Not much… but a start…

(Re)building a life

So, it is the end of my week’s vacation: and through a combination necessity and will, I have actually taken a proper vacation from work. Out of Office autoreply on and emails ignored (with no small measure of guilt). I felt I needed a week between my postdoc and my first faculty position. Well… really, I didn’t feel that I needed a week, but I didn’t want to realize from a place of mental ill-health, 8-months down the road, that I did. So, a break I took.

Of course with a home to create, this has not exactly been an idle time. Nonetheless, I have saved some time for myself; evenings especially, and the weekend. Leaving me at a loose end: what to do with myself? Before the move, I was guilty before of doing too much: accepting every invitation, giving my all to every social occasion and opportunity, always being 1/2 in work mode, working out twice a day, pushing my body to the limits each time and yet rushing through my workouts so I could meet my friends / answer that email / get that thing done. I don’t think I ever just ‘was’. I had lost my tendency to complete activities in stillness and solitude.

It was strange at first: to have time on my hands. Strange and quite isolating; like I said, I am used to filling every space in my calendar. I didn’t know what to do but slowly found myself gravitating towards certain activities: cooking, baking, horticulture, reading fiction, even (in desperation 😉 ) just hanging out with the husband. I could while away the hours planning my veggie garden and sowing the seeds, tending my orchids, baking homemade bread from scratch. And feel very calm after doing them. Or even, calm does not describe it: centered and complete. Like ‘zen’ was the perfect word for this feeling. I remembered that these were things I used to do all the time before life got crazy.

Husband approves of my re-found love of baking

So… now I feel I am at a cross roads. I have no social obligations here, no weekly gym classes, no friends nearby who I am dying to see. I am starting work with only a few papers to tidy up and submit after co-author revisions: all my postdoc papers being done, I have no real work obligations yet. I have dropped my workout schedule to zilch due to busy-ness, shock at Texas heat, a lack of a gym membership and some prenatal bleeding (no worries… all good…. just got a bit over strained with the move); I am basically starting from scrtach on the fitness front it has been so long. So: I can be selective in what I choose to do, and of course, I can choose to do nothing. Literally, I feel like I have been offered a fabulous opportunity to rebuild my life (time) as I like.

Within reason of course: I want to be very successful and productive at work, I want to remain reasonably fit and healthy, I want to have friends and actively engage in church life. But I don’t want the frenetic pace of before, the feeling that I am not giving anything my all, the feeling that I am a hands-grasp from exhaustion / burn out. That I am running on caffeine and wondering how I am going to give my all to my next activity.

In particular: I want to stop worrying about how I am going to fit a child into my life, and start waiting for a child to complete a part my life (crazy first few months not withstanding). My husband has always been very good at this: saying no, keeping ‘me’ time, not over stretching himself. I don’t know exactly where my balance lies yet… but I hope I still achieve, and still have success while actually enjoying it – rather than congratulating myself as I head into the next thing. I literally want to stop and appreciate the beauty in life.

My minor obsession with orchids has resurfaced 🙂

It will take some examining as to why I have lived my life like that: fear of rejection, fear of missing out, fear of failure. Partly the desire to excel at everything: why publish 3 papers a year,w hen you could do 4? Why ‘take up jogging’ when you could train for a half marathon? Why stop there – why not complete Tough Mudder? But, I think I came dangerously close to ‘Jack of All Trades, Master of None’, or ‘success on paper, but failure in spirit’: how much was I really there for my friends? How much in my exhausted state did I really give them? How great was my Science, when I was so very focused on completing more than was expected and / or asked? It is not the spiritual life I wanted. I don’t feel I was giving my best to Earth.

It will take some work, and I am sure I will make mistakes. I am not even 100% sure what I am looking for in balance, and a sense of the holistic, and stillness and being. But, with all my newly found free time: I’ll keep you posted. 🙂

End of DAMY Bikini Body… on with Tough Mudder

DONE

I did it… 12 weeks on Bikini Body. 12 Thanksgiving-spanning, Department-lunch covering, three-time-of-the-month encompassing weeks. 12 weeks ago I squinted suspiciously at the impossibly-beautiful Amy Layne and debated whether she was another empty promise and short-lived lie. I sent her my $98. Best thing I ever did. Amy got me back ‘on track’, she taught me to care about overall food intake, not focus and obsess over individual macro- micro- whatevero- nutrients. I followed her workouts, stuck to her eating plan and watched myself change so much. For the first time, people really started commenting on how good I look. Not how slim (how skinny-fat), just how different, and how toned. AND, weirdly, for the first time I way relaxed about what I ate. I stopped dreading social occasions, I stopped fearing my own reactions to food. I think I have covered most of what I learned on this journey, but mostly it was;

-Never, ever resort to quick fixes

-Don’t obsess over the scales

-Stick to it through the ‘water weight days’

-Know that water weight days can last > 10 days in some (my) cases!

-Every time you “fall off the wagon”, just get right back on it, that SECOND. Not “tomorrow”; not “after the weekend” – right then.

-Make sure you do the exercises you HATE (hello squats). You probably hate them for a reason.

-Know that hungry before a meal is OK. Hungry all the time is not.

-Give up those artificial sweetners

-Chillax. Keep doing your best. Be proud of yourself for doing so.

40 mins; 1 weeks’ food to reheat and serve

The best practical tip that I learned was: Cook way in advance. Seriously. I would do a weekly shop, then make lietrally, 10 lunches and 10 dinners (5 for me, 5 for Wes). For example:a giant thing of whole wheat pasta with tuna and tomato; a tray of roasted veg and chicken, a large lasagne and tub of pre-cooked fajita mix. Then, portion out into single servings and store in the fridge. Wes and I could grab ‘n’ go as we liked, and it really only took ~40 mins to do the whole thing on a Sunday. Only one kitchen clean up too 🙂

And, I made my goal: a waist of 26″ without squeezing and pinching. I do have bikini-clad progress pics, but you have to email me for them as I fear future employers / students getting a gander 🙂 So you can have final stats instead:

Starting / after 2 weeks / after 4 weeks / after 6 weeks / after 12 weeks:

Weight: 143.5 lbs. / 138.5 / 135.5 / 137 / 134

Chest: 37 / 37 ” / 37 “ / 37″ / 37″ (good grief; no fecking change)

Waist: 30″ / 29″ / 28″ / 28″ / 26″ (wooooooo!)

Hips: 38″ / 37″ / 37″ / 37″ / 37″

What now? Well, a similar eating style + some wine in the evening, but slightly different workouts. Which leads me too:

Tough Mudder Training

So, for bikini body it has been all low weight, high rep ickiness. (I HATE that – let me move mountains, please!). Lots of interval workouts, and I did reach 15K (ever closer to my half marathon goal).

Now, I am switching it up, as my ADHD-like tendencies… OK, OK, my pure ADHD… does not allow me to stick at one plan too long. Here is a summary:

-Weights: 4 times a week, at a level where I fail on the 12th rep. Lots of ab work for the vanity.

-Interval training: Yes, OK, I will do it. At least 3 times a week. With lots of core work for the health.

-Running: Knee not coping so well. Twice a week: one long, one short run. With one elliptical session for the Chuck Bass ogling.

-Yoga: Twice a week, to help my fairly wrecked body. With one post-yoga glass of wine for the pain.

Finally. Pull up training. New (near impossible) goal: to be able to do a pull up (or four) by Tough Mudder. I’ll keep you posted. With videos for the voyeurism.

This week, I am entering the Lookout Mountain 10K. Kinda nervous about a full 10K on a trail… and how busy it will be. Also, I am in so much weight lifting / interval training pain at the moment, the thought of completing it is currently fairly inconceivable… but hey, this is just usual pre-race jitters, right? And, I have a new race to think about:

New Race!!

Woo-freakin’-Hoo. In January, I shall be running in the Canyonlands Half Marathon. Oh so pretty. Oh so damaging to my credit card. This is AWESOME news. But also quite scary. My goal? 2 hours 45. There. I said it. Wish me luck 🙂

The price of pie, ample appreciation for Stella, and umpteen updates

Walter's toothbrush. Relevant for later discussions

The price of pie:

Ah pie… how I love you. But apparently you come with a high price. The bearer of the amazing Amish funeral pie had a head cold-y bronchitis thing. Which I now have. It feels vaguely like someone dangled me upside down, poured liquid cement into my nostrils and let it harden in my sinuses. I do seem to be fighting it better (or at least I have way less symptoms) than the deliverer of the pie (and my husband) though so I am going to say kudos to my healthy eating plan and exercise regime for giving me a kick ass immune system.

I would like to say that the cold has kept me from doing exciting things and writing exciting updates. But this is a lie as actually, I have felt pretty OK with the cold. Pretty amazing actually since I discovered melatonin and am actually sleeping decent hours, and at a decent quality it would seem. I had an epiphany yesterday where, at 8 am, in a pre-caffeinated state with a paper already reviewed and corrected I realised that for the first time in many, many months, I actually felt rested. Happy, happy times.

I also had a moment of Stella-love (despite the germs), and felt moved to share them. So here are 5 things I love about Stella:

1. Her pies. ‘Nuff said. And not a euphemism.

2. Her innate ability not to just ‘go with the crowd’. Early on I was party to a conversation with a group of postdocs. An analysis plan was agreed on and Stella said “great, that should take me about half a day”. Another postdoc said “you don’t say that! You say it takes 3 days and go to the beach for 2”. I remember because I thought that was a sad state of affairs, but did question it. Stella’s reaction was better; all over her face was “There is no way in hell I am doing that, see you at the top”. And I had a moment where I remembered I used to be exactly like that, and actually preferred being like that. I switched my attitude back to how I like, and have been more productive and happier since.

3. Stella is striving for the top – but she is more than happy to take you with her. Whether it is the loneliness of postdoctoral epi, or the insecurity, that is not something I have overtly focused on: how to help others while helping myself. But I looked around, and realised how many researchers (PIs, CHARGE members, other postdocs) out there had gone out of their way to help me, for no other reason than that they could.  So, again, I shifted my perspective and have really enjoyed reaching out to others. Maybe there really is no true altruism, and the rewards I have got from this are my motivation. If so: so be it. It works.

4. Stella defines goals, does everything to meet them, but doesn’t seem (overtly) to end in a spiral of self-criticism and depression if they aren’t met. I mean, sure it is disappointing, but  I can take things way too personally, and way too much a reflection on my core character. One mini Toosie roll does not make me a terrible person.

5. Fun. Stella never forgets the fun in life. Actually, I don’t either, but it’s good to be reminded.

So, that’s the psychology update. What else do I have for ya?

DAMY update:

Ah, it is going so well.  I am losing minimal lbs, but the body fat is shedding. Those trousers that I couldn’t even do up exactly 11 weeks ago (seriously, I didn’t wear them as my Ma had to lend me others) are now too big. Even if I don’t always see the changes, other people have. I keep getting compliments about how much I have changed. So, I am happy and looking forward to switching from the Bikini Body 12-week plan to either DAMY method (ongoing weightloss) or DAMY lifestyle (maintenance). I am not quite sure. I’ll post final stats next week, and maybe (password protected… come on future employers and students read this blog) progress pictures. But in the meantime, as I near the end of the first phase of my DAMY journey this is what I have learned:

1. Do not let a bad scale week (not day) define you. I used to freak out if the scales didn’t show what I wanted for a couple of days, and institute a radical change of diet. By sticking with Amy’s plan, and simply looking back and ‘tweaking’ things I have made slow and steady improvements.
2. Overly restricting doesn’t work for me. It leads to a brief, unsustainable period of  burning up my muscle, then extreme ‘off weekend’ where I piled on fat. Do this for several months and it is easy to go from skinny to skinny-fat to fat (I was never fat, I know, but you see the pattern). Much better is to always nourish your body.
3. Hence, ‘off moments’ are just that: moments. A small piece of pie, or an extra glass of wine, doesn’t mean ‘it is over for the day’. It just means you can keep working to improve your figure / health or achieve your goal: you will just make a smaller improvement today. So, e.g. thanksgiving: I took mostly healthy food: salad, veg, white meat turkey and then had a small amount of (amazing) sweet potato casserole and stuffing. At dessert again: a very small amount of pie (and it is not like I was exactly hungry). But then dinner was right back ‘on plan’ instead of as previously ‘well, I have blown it today – can have what I want’. I guess, I was never ‘starting again tomorrow’ or ‘getting back to it at the end of the weekend’. I was always applying it. Just not always perfectly 🙂
4. I guess I feel my 12 weeks (11.5) with DAMY so far have taught me a sense of balance and realism. So – I am super looking forward to continuing to work with Amy 🙂 Her workouts are killer 🙂 Which leads to:

Tough Mudder update

Actually the training is going very well. Generally doing the same as before: 2 runs a week (one long, one short) 4 weight sessions (1 chest and tri, 1 back and bi, 1 shoulder and abs, 1 legs. man, I hate the legs), 1 elliptical session (save the old knees) and trying to keep up the body weight and sprint workouts to twice a week. Plus my beloved weekly kickboxing. It sounds a lot, but is rarely more than an hour a day (maybe 1 hour 10 in this last phase of bikini body, but that will drop again soon). 1 hour a day is pretty manageable. My greatest joy as easily completing 15K at 5K training pace [just under an hour and a half] 🙂 . Sadly, although this was 10 days ago, my hips and knees are still hurting from it (no, I didn’t stretch or ice bath after – definitely my bad)  considerably, so I haven’t been able to repeat. I am just waiting for the day that I can (which I think will be after next Saturday’s race) as I actually really enjoyed just zoning out and doing it.

DAMY is focusing on leaning down in this phase, so weights are high rep (20). I am looking forward to going back to low-rep (6-10) and higher weight. I just prefer it. And finally:

Marriage update.

It’s been 6 months (!) Can you Adam ‘n’ Eve it? How are things going? Well, I think our marriage can be summed up thus. Wesley objected to finding Walter’s toothbrush so close to his own (yes, I brush Walter’s teeth daily) so I came home to find this dangling in the front room:

Somewhat Blair Witch esque

I think we’ll be alright 🙂 Speaking of Walter… he says:

Happy Advent y'all.

Battle at Big Creek, Tough Mudder week 7 and reflections on some life choices

A section of Big Creek Trails

The earliest start yet took me to a new state for a trail run; at 3.30 am, the boy packed up some warm jumpers, two fired up puppies, a stash of snacks, and a grumpy ‘just started my TOTM and have cramps’ wife, and started the 3 hour drive to Roswell, Georgia for Xterra’s “Battle at Big Creek”. 8k (me) or 16k ( brave fools) as you wished. I arrived, glad the boy had allowed vast amounts of extra time (which I did not feel glad for at 3.30 am) as we had forgotten the change over from Central to Eastern time. But we made it fine, I got my neat little registration pack, some time to chill and warm away the Raynaud’s in the car, and time to be vaguely disconcerted that I had been registered as a 31 year old.

It was not in a state park this time, rather a “greenway” in a urban area. The trail was OK from a scenic point of view. It was fine, and it was great to be out among the changing trees, but there were no nice views and no sense of being it in endless nature (which is something I do in general love about trail running). It might not have been helped that our route missed the water. Whereas I am already planning the 2 hour drive to take my friends to hike the stunning Monte Sano in Huntsville, I am not especially planning a return trip here, although if passing, I would happily stop for a hike.

So, why did Xterra’s pick it? Well, post race, I read that they do it because of the challenge. It is one of Xterra’s hardest terrains, based on technical difficulties, steepness and condition of the trail. And Xterra’s are hardly known for mollycoddling their participants.

I knew at the start that 2 weeks wasn’t really enough to train for an 8k from 5k standard, but I am traveling much of the rest of this month so this was my only hope of getting a monthly race in. In the blistering cold (my tongue actually went numb) I enthusiastically started somewhere near the middle and slowly picked people off as I made my way to the front. It was uphill, but that was OK, as after my lesson from Monte Sano I had been doing some hill training and practicing on the undulating ground near my house. Undulating. Undulating. Not nearly 3 miles of pure climb that was so steep the trail had to wind its way up it, rather than take a direct path. Hmmmm. About 2 miles into it I was pretty miserable and thinking “I am either going to have to hate hills or train for them more”. I suspect it will be a mixture of both.

I got my head down, and at around 3 miles, started to get in the zone more and enjoy it. I picked people off one by one and felt pretty good about it. I ignored the aid stations and just pushed on, and could see around a few bends, so see that I was doing pretty well among the women – there were only maybe 5 or 6 in front of me, of which the 3 absolute spring chickens told me I was 2 nd or 3 rd in my age group. Time for a final push as I hit the last mile marker – and push I did. I sprinted for that finish line, passing one woman and making myself 2nd, which was a wonderful feeling. I gave it all, and at the last 400 meters I was overjoyed to see the end in sight. Just one more hairpin, which I negotiated with vigor… Until this happened

Ow

Yes it did hurt, although the cold saved me some of the immediate pain. I watched 2nd and 3rd place jump ahead of me

She nixed me to 3rd... fair and square

and even though I sprang up, my intended sprint to the finish line became a running hobble. Ah well, the disappointment of just losing out on a medal as 4th in my age group smarted more than the leg, to be honest.

Definitely a hobbling run

But as ever I learned a lot, and that is an important part of the process. More important than medals, right? Ahem. I learned

*Again, check the course, check the course, check the course. I actually couldn’t have gotten any more info for this one, but it did remind me of the value of knowing the course. I trained how to be able to sprint / run up brief-ish hills and recover on the way down, and the long climb just destroyed me.
*Find it more about the race. This was one of Xterras 3 national qualifier races, where runners who want to run in the Nationals have to place in all 3. So, the were more elite-recreational runners than the just recreational runners I encountered last time
*Better to eat before the race and not need it, than to need it half way around. I ate a light breakfast (200 kcals) at 5 and then ran at 8.30 because it was “just an 8k” and when I train I often do these fasted. But, I don’t train as hard as I race and the hills required extra input, so I could have done with more food
*Along those lines, eat carbs the night before. I tend to avoid all non vegetable carbs in the evening (bar the occasional glass of wine). This works fine for general training, especially as I do a lot of it in the evening as I get often stuck into my work with my morning coffee, whether I intended to or not. Somehow an oatmeal carb up in the morning isn’t quite as efficacious as evening pasta.
*Wear less! Because it was cold I wore a jumper to run. It was great for about 2 minutes, then I spent the next 5 minutes annoyed I was hot and the next 30 secs slowing down and stumbling because I was taking it off. Then the rest of the race struggling to keep it tied around my waist. Recreational Jumper = bad decision. Considering a long-sleeved sorts top for December runs.
* My iPod lies! It cheerfully yelled “1/2 way point”… And then about 6 mins later I came across the actual halfway point which was somewhat deflating. More annoyingly, it yelled ‘1 mile to go’ causing an all out of burst of speed that could only last a mile, when there were in fact about 1.8 miles left. Really deflating was hearing “Congratulations! Workout complete” and not even being able to see the finish line. As someone who does not love running, it is a mind game for me.

*Don’t fall. This may be the best tip of all.

So Tough Mudder training, week 7.

This may have been my best training week yet. I completed the full DAMY complement of workouts, felt great for all of them, and did some extra. I didn’t feel at all worn out, although as I am now in week 8, I am feeling some tiredness and really just doing the set schedule, not throwing anything else in. But, very happy with this week. It went a lil’ something like:

Friday – DAMY weights A, 35 mins steady state – DONE

Saturday – Hill sprints, DAMY weights B – DONE

Sunday – 8K run (+ hills) – DONE

Monday: DAMY C (weights); Interval B – DONE

Tues: Hill sprints; DAMY D (legs) – Changed; no hill sprints due to lack of sleep and an early meeting

Weds:  Functional training (plyos) – DONE

Thurs: Kickboxing (maybe; have a 5 mile (8K) race on Saturday so may be fixing to rest). – DONE. So glad I went, Gabe’s kickboxing is the best 😀

Week 8 plan

Friday – rest for race after a hard week

Saturday – 8 k + DAMY B

Sunday – 8K run (+ hills)

Monday: DAMY C (weights); Interval B

Tues: 5k interval run + DAMY A in the am (arms); DAMY D (legs)

Weds:  Yoga in the am,  Functional training (plyos) pm

Thurs: Kickboxing

And some life choices this week

I am sure you have all heard the industry “pick two of three” paradigm. Is is where you can pick two of these for any given project:

Cheap
Fast
Good

You just can’t have more than 3. So, if something is done cheaply and quickly, it isn’t gong to be done well. Conversely, if it is done well and quickly, then is going to cost a lot. I once turned to David and said “I have had an epiphany. Women cannot be smart, cute and healthy”. It takes some qualifying as I picked catchy words. By smart I meant very successful at work. By cute, I meant well turned out with good clothes with styled hair and neat make up. By healthy I meant regularly active and eating healthy, homemade food. So, if I am going to work long hours and go to the gym a lot, I am going to look a mess. By the time I have packed up all my lunch and filled my bag with that, I don’t have time to co ordinate a decent outfit and shoes or have space in my bag for make-up. I’ll be barefaced and chances are: in my trainers all day. David thought about it and said to me “I think what you are saying, Lekki, is that you can’t do everything in life”. Spot on.

Courtesy of PhDcomics.com

This has recently come back to me as work went crazy for the grant. The grant took up a lot of time, and pushed back my other work, so the crazy-busy schedule will continue while I make up for it. And the lack of evening eats into my weekends as I have to do the cleaning. Tidying, cooking etc has to be done then. Then I have my sport which I love, and also eats my time. I loved my race this weekend, and loved the uninterrupted 6 hours it gave me with my husband. Thing is, I also wanted to go to a friend’s house and watch the game. I knew if I did that, I would not get all my house stuff done, and I would not get as much work done. It hurt, but I declined. I realized I was making a choice. The house is at a stage where it could not be left without environmental protection coming and trying to save us from ourselves, but technically work could be. However – there would not be many serious repercussions if I delayed work a little. I don’t have any immediate deadlines, and my work for today is largely a job app, when I have a promising K award and 2 exciting interviews at places I would love to work on the horizon.

So why do the app? Because I need a back-up, sure. But also because it is for NIH which would be an enormously prestigious position. And one that really allowed to conduct my Science for the next 5 years in a very stimulating academic environment. So, my career is going very well at the moment, yes, and I have better than average career prospects. But I will fight to make my prospects elite. I really care about my latest project and I want every shot to be able to complete it, and to be able to complete it in the best environment possible. I don’t know where that is yet, and I suspect I will only find out through applications and visits and tang to people on visits.

So I guess I am says that I felt I made a decision on Saturday. To prioritize my career over my social life, even though my social life is very woeful at the moment and my career is great. I am surprised how easy this decision came and how well it say with me. We all make choices and we have to live with our choices. I think it helped me to sleep better and enjoy my choices knowing that I was making them, and why.

IMAGE credits

http://alpharetta.ga.us/index.php?p=136

http://vadlo.com/cartoons.php?id=241

DAMY Health week 5 & 6; Tough Mudder training week 6

Waaaaah. It has been a tough week on the old “slough off 15 of the 25 post American lbs in 12 weeks” attempt. But, while not making any great physical progress (in fact, there was somewhat of a back-slide), I made some good mental health progress. Huzzah.

So, weeks 5/6. Along with fighting an incredible amount of lethargy I was also dealing with insane hunger and sugar cravings.  Hunger that made me feel unfocused and dizzy. Hunger that left me unable to play table tennis for more than 30 mins (although it WAS dinner time, and I HAD just workout out for 50 minutes and I DID steal some points off my victorious hubby). I gave it a few days and then emailed Amy of DAMY Health, seeing as I was especially concerned about my drop in athletic performance. Wow, I thought I would just get some quick “21 tips to break hunger”, but she responded within 48 hours, making me list everything I was eating and all my workouts. She went through my meals & snacks one by one, and either OK-ed them, or fixed them. In essence we got: A LOT more protein (some 30 g or so), which makes sense as the weight training is up to 4 days a week, and if I lift… I lift pretty heavy. Not quite the ball buster days of yore, but not too shabby either. We also got way less sugar – she switched out my beloved frozen peas and put in green beans, zucchini and broccoli (yeach! I did not follow that last one!). Oh, and she doubled my lunchtime whole grain carbs, and pretty much ordered me to have a pre-bedtime snack (Oh, you want we to force down delicious delicious chocolate pudding or peanut butter on celery eh? Oh go on then…). Immediately I felt better and Amy emailed me both the following days to check in and make me write down my diet. Not bad for a one off $98.

My hunger immediately decreased. As I swapped a lot of the fruit for protein / WG combos I immediately craved less sugar. In fact, I was back to the miracle start of the beginning of DAMY where I was not literally counting down the seconds to each meal. Good stuff. My recovery also increased tonnes – I completed every workout on DAMY (and there are a lot, and they are tough. Think 4 weight sessions, one plyo session, 2 steady state sessions, 1 HIIT and 1 HIIT + plyo, OUCH) and even got my HIIT to be hill sprints (why? why do I do this to myself) and threw in an extra 12K. Banging. Did it all… loved it all… felt great.

Then, week 6 and weigh day came. 1.5 lbs more. Really? Really? I waited a day and weighed myself: same. Waited another day: .5 lb more? Life hates me. And no shift in inches. And if I was brave enough to post the progress pics I take for Amy… you’d see some lack of definition. Gah. But, DAMY made me define non weight related goals at the beginning of the program, and I focused on these instead. Some of these were:

-To stop the endless restrict-stuff myself cycle.

-To stop living my day by the scale. Bad scale day = bad day must end.

So, with that in mind, I just soldiered on with the corrected diet, smiled and tried not to let it get to me. I didn’t have any other ‘treats’ that week at all. When I emailed Amy with my weekly check-in I explained this to her, but said it could be water weight, and yay! I was sticking to my other goals and wasn’t life great and that’s the end of that.

Amy is not so cavalier with her clients. While yes, she was pleased that I seemed to be developing more stable, sustainable eating habits, she wants me to email her all my food from yesterday (on a Sunday! Sneaky!), and is upping the intensity of my workouts a little. I am supposed to break them into 2 and do cardio in the am and weights in the afternoon (or vice versa) rather than one long session. I also have to skip between weight reps to keep my heart rate up. Bleurgh. I was in a happy rut groove, which may explain the lack of progress 🙂 But, I am glad to be working with Amy. She is a cheerleader and very positive, but not going to take sloppiness for an answer (nor not eating all your fibrous veggies it would seem. Ick). I’m looking forward to giving it a go.

So… those stats. Boo. I look forward to better news next time (although next time is slap bang at time of the month, so it may take a few extra days…):

Starting / after 2 weeks / after 4 weeks / after 6 weeks:

Weight: 143.5 lbs. / 138.5 / 135.5 / 137

Chest: 37 / 37 ” / 37 “ / 37″

Waist: 30″ / 29″ / 28″ / 28″

Hips: 38″ / 37″ / 37″ / 37″

Onto Tough Mudder week 6

This was an awesome week of training. I completed everything, ran the furthest for me yet (ha!), recovered like a rockstar ready to get at it the next day, and generally loved it. I didn’t really dread any workouts, just the first steady state as I was saving my knees so did it on the elliptical.

Friday – DAMY weights A, 35 mins steady state – DONE

Saturday – 5K, DAMY weights B  – DONE

Sunday – Steady state 7 mile jog – DONE (7.5 hahahahaha)

Monday: DAMY C (weights); Interval B – DONE

Tues: REST – Changed, long jog completed.

Weds:  DAMY D (legs); interval A – done, hill sprints DONE. Y-e-e-e-e-e-s

Thurs: Kickboxing (this is a good proxy for DAMY’s 6^th ‘functional’ workout – lots of core stuff). Oh, I missed this. Boo. Had too much work with a grant due to UAB the next day. Changed.

Week 7 plan:

Friday – DAMY weights A, 35 mins steady state

Saturday – Hill sprints, DAMY weights B

Sunday – 8K run (+ hills)

Monday: DAMY C (weights); Interval B

Tues: Hill sprints; DAMY D (legs)

Weds:  Functional training (plyos)

Thurs: Kickboxing (maybe; have a 5 mile (8K) race on Saturday so may be fixing to rest).

I feel I am getting closer and closer to Tough Mudder fitness (sadly also to the race – eeeep). My core is getting a lot stronger, and I am completing more and more of the push ups (even when doing them immediately after lifting weights for shoulder training). My jogging / running is better and I am using the same weights for 15, rather than 12, reps. All I need to learn is those darned pull ups. Soon. Overall: super fitness progress (for a non-sporty person like me). And in 4 days time: Georgia trail race: wooooo 😀